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The Joel Kinnaman Gay Jock Movie We Deserve

October 27, 2020, 11:30 am
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I don't know if you guys have looked around lately, but the world's kinda garbage. Maybe you've been playing your videos games and haven't looked out the window for a bit -- in which case I envy you, I deeply truly envy you, and I apologize for being the one to tell you but... psst... 2020 has kinda bit. Everywhere one looks something is on fire or if it's not on fire it should be on fire. And so, in such a time, we go looking for things to distract us and to make us feel better and... well today's big Joel Kinnaman news might just be the best big news we'll have... well at least until Joe Biden wins the election next week. Variety is reporting (thx Mac) that Joel is going to play the football player Jerry Smith.

Smith was the tight-end (heh) for the Redskins from 1965 through 1977, and yes I was already sold on "Joel Kinnaman playing a football player" alone. But wait! That is not the entire story! And I am not just talking about the mustache he grew in that time period! Because Jerry Smith was also, drumroll please, a closeted homosexual! Joel Kinnaman is playing a gay football player! Rejoice, one and all! 

"Jerry Smith was a star on the field, but was never able to find fulfillment in his personal life,” Kinnaman said. “He had Brig to help him through his struggle, but to this day so many young people don’t have anyone to turn to when wrestling with homosexuality — especially in the sports world. That’s one of the reasons this story needs to be told. It’s as relevant today as it was 40 years ago.”

The "Brig" that Joel mentions in the above quote is Brig Owens, a black teammate who was Smith's best friend and who will be the other focus of the as-yet-untitled film...

... their friendship through the Civil Rights years, basically. Owens is still alive and he is quoted as well in that Variety article -- that said he hasn't been cast yet, as far as I can tell. Maybe y'all have suggestions based on the above photo? My main thought is of Black Panther / Us star Winston Duke... 

... but I might just be voting based on "who I want to see wearing a jockstrap and showering with Joel Kinnaman the most" so maybe don't listen to me. Or maybe do! That's probably your interest too if you're already here on MNPP reading all of this blather! Anyway we will obviously be paying attention to whatever news spills on this project, don't you worry. Until then here are a pair of new photos of Joel Kinnaman on the set of the Suicide Squad sequel that will whet our collective appetites for All Things Kinnaman...

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REC Yourself

October 27, 2020, 12:12 pm
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Wanna know a horror film that still works as well as it did thirteen years ago? [REC], baby! I re-watched the original 2007 found-footage film over the weekend for today's episode of "Great Moments in Horror Actressing" over at The Film Experience and holy hell y'all is that movie some scary-ass gangbusters still. I hadn't seen it in quite awhile and when I turned out the lights afterwards twas a hard, hard time falling asleep with all of them visions of The Medeiros Girl dancing in my head. O, Frights!


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At the Mountains of Hotness

October 27, 2020, 12:36 pm
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A second slightly longer trailer for FX's three-part Black Narcissus miniseries has just dropped today (thx Mac) -- if you missed the first one you can see it here -- which gives me a right and proper excuse to just post some shots of Alessandro Nivola (who's playing the dashing mountain scamp Mr. Dean opposite Gemma Arterton's Sister Clodagh) again, hooray! Specifically this one:

I thought for a moment that we get a frame or two more of that shot here in the second trailer than we did the first time around, but I don't actually care -- if I could post it every day I would! Then again -- who runs this place? I do? I could post it every day! A revelation! Here's the trailer:


This new Black Narcissus drops on Nov 23rd.

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Worried Man With a Worried Mind

October 27, 2020, 12:57 pm
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Wonder(ful) news, everybody -- Curtis Hanson's magnificent 2000 film Wonder Boys is finally finally finally getting a blu-ray release! And soon too -- it's hitting on November 24th! Just in time to give it to every single person you know for the holidays. I was just rage-tweeting about this film's lack of a new release back in February when the film celebrated its 20th anniversary -- I did a big post giving it love right here -- and this couldn't come sooner, as my DVD has officially started skipping, so oft has the movie gotten played and re-played over the past two decades. Sad this release won't have any new extras -- talk about a movie overdue deserving of a glorious Criterion-ing. But we'll make happy due with this for now.

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13 Rats of Halloween #9

October 27, 2020, 1:35 pm
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My pal Stacie Ponder of Final Girl fame has branded this "The Rumpelstiltskin Effect" (actually she maybe hasn't used those exact words, but I am) -- where you keep going back to a movie you know is awful because some deranged lever snaps inside your brain and whispers to you that hey, you, maybe it's not so awful. For Stacie that movie is the 1995 Leprechaun rip-off Rumpelstiltskin -- and if you're already ripping off a rip-off like Leprechaun then you know you're in trouble. But for me, at this exact moment, that movie is the 2018 video-game adaptation Rampage. Oh my god it's bad! I know it's bad! But Marley Shelton fights a gigantic mutant rat in outer space! 


How can I not be suckered in by that time and time again? Am I not human? Do I not bleed? Speaking of you know who else bleeds? Gigantic mutant rats in outer space, that's who!


And looking back at my previous post on this movie I see so much else to love. Joe Manganiello eaten by a giant wolf? Okay! Malin "Baby Girl" Akerman eaten by a gorilla? Sure! That gorilla then flipping the bird? Why not? Is Rampage actually perfect? Who am I to say it's not perfect? I'm nobody, that's who -- there is no Jason, only Rampage now.



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Good Morning, World

October 28, 2020, 7:10 am
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Although his Insta has mostly been pimping his new TV miniseries The Sister(airing on ITV in the UK) our gay boy of the big ears Russell Tovey did take time out of his busy pants-dropping schedule (sorry I just had to write that entire Clueless quote all the way out or something in my brain would have broken) to share with us the above blessed photo of him showing off the sturdy gams in some barely there short shorts. We approve, Russell! And if there's a UK reader in the house please let us know if The Sister is any good. Relatedly Russell is featured in the latest issue of 1883 Magazine (over here) where they were kind enough to photograph both him and his ears in a range of cozy sweaters, which is also a message I approve of. Hit the jumpfor all of those photos...




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Aaron Will Do What You Want Him To Do

October 28, 2020, 7:58 am
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Although I'd begun to think of them as a forgotten art-form it's sure been a big couple of days for music videos! Yesterday Shia LaBeouf did a sad naked dance with Margaret Qualley for a Rainsford video, and today comes the new one for Rhye, which stars our favorite kickin' ass Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who stands center-frame doing some shirtless interpretive freak-out moves for the video's full four-plus-minute run-time. And did I mention he's got a mustache while he does it?

Viva Cinema! The video was directed by his wife, the director Sam Taylor-Johnson -- it's a constant battle, fighting off my jealousy of her, because she has been so generous with her husband all these years. I mean, to look at what she gifted us of him in A Million Little Piecesis to feel your rage subside... 

... well until you remember that she gets to take home what you are looking at and then you're angry again.  It's such an exhausting cycle! Anyway more blessing to us from them, here's the video:

Honestly it's difficult for me not to make gifs from this entire video but I'd be here all day doing that and, believe it or not, I do have other things to do. Still... okay I did a couple more. Who am I kidding? Of course I made a bunch. Hit the jump for them...






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Hell Ahead

October 28, 2020, 8:36 am
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Twas just a couple of weeks ago I reviewed the film called Bloody Hell at the Nighstream Festival (read that here), which is a fun gross-out romp about a young man (played by a really very in-shape Ben O'Toole) whose life is upended when he gets caught in the middle of a bank robbery. One thing leads to another and he, like has happened with all of us once or twice...

... finds himself roped up in the basement of a cannibal family's homestead, you know the gist. We all been there! Anyway I'm trying to not give away too much since the film's got twists and turns aplenty, but the just released trailer gives up ninety percent of those twists and turns so... maybe don't watch the trailer? I am going to post the trailer, but maybe don't watch it.

Well. Did you watch it or didn't you? That's called "free will" and supposedly everybody has some. Or so we're sold, anyway. Perhaps you can exercise some of this "free will" again when this movie Bloody Hell is released on January 14th. I don't know. That's your goddamned business.

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Pic of the Day

October 28, 2020, 9:03 am
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Last night marked the occasion of my annual "Vincent Price Memorial Dinner" party, which my boyfriend and I have celebrated with some of our favorite people for the past three years -- much like Vincent's character of Prince Prospero in the 1964 Roger Corman classic The Masque of the Red Death we weren't about to let any ol' plague come between us and a good time! (And huge thanks to my pal Kristy of Pajiba fame for that embroidery above which really is The Bee's Knees.) This year's dinner went virtual but was just as much fun as the previous two editions, although given the plague-riddled state of the world I'll admit my red plague robes took on a darker tone than usual! (See photos from last year's dinner here, which really show off the robes to full effect.) 

And there are a few more photos from last night, mostly of the food selection, over on my Instagram -- one thing I learned: you maybe shouldn't photograph veal meatballs under a red lamp! Everything my boyfriend cooks (newsflash: I literally cannot cook anything) is taken from one of the many cookbooks that the ghastly gourmand Price published over the course of his Original Foodie existence, but most especially his 1965 volume A Treasury of Great Recipes, which swiped recipes from all of the hottest classiest joints of the time. I'd say "no home should be without it!" but the recipes are very much of their time, so you need to be an adventurous foodie historian when eating from this book -- so much cream, so much mint, so much veal! The 1960s were a weird time for food, y'all.

Anyway this is my favorite party of the year every year and I'm glad we were able to pull it off against all the world's obstacles again, because I am now truly and fully in the All Hallows Spirit! Did y'all know that this year's Halloween there will be a Full Moon? This is the first time that's happened since 1944, and it won't happen again until 2039! Makes me feel like I should've counted down werewolves this year instead of rats... but then I remember we're literally in a plague and I feel like the rats were indeed the right choice for 2020.



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Five Frames From ?

October 28, 2020, 9:29 am
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Armie Hammer's Messy Marriage The Movie

October 28, 2020, 9:54 am
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This wasn't even the biggest news that I didn't get around to posting about yesterday -- did you know that yesterday was the 20th anniversary of Darren Aronofsky's Requiem For a Dream as well as the 25th anniversary of the films Copycat, The Doom Generation, and Leaving Las Vegas? Well you wouldn't have if you only got your updates from this shitty website! -- but I figure this gives me a chance to post a picture of Armie Hammer, it's worth a backtrack. Armie got a new movie! It's an action-comedy called Shotgun Wedding and it will have him starring opposite Jennifer Lopez as a couple who force their family to travel for an expensive "Destination Wedding" only to have their entire wedding party kidnapped by gun-wielding maniacs. So kind of like Armie's film Hotel Mumbai, but with less splattered brains and more yuks. Sign me up! (Actually this sounds like a movie I'll hate but we'll see.)

In related news there's a new video chat with Armie over at Collider where he talks about Rebecca and junk (thx Mac) and he says he thinks that Luca Guadagnino should wait to make the Call Me By Your Name sequel after ten full years have passed, which would mean we're talking 2027. (He also jokes that he'd look mid-40s doing it while Timmy would still look 23, because he's clearly heard your catty comments about how much he's aged, haha.)


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Jake Gyllenhaal One Time

October 28, 2020, 12:10 pm
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(click to embiggen) Oh thank you to IHJM for unearthing this gloriously-sweatered outtake from Jake's Vogue UK photoshoot which hit earlier this year (see the rest back here) -- I do wish these photos had been in color, I'd love to see what's actually all going on with that sweater. For a hot second I thought it was the Wizard of Oz one everybody was being photographed in for a bit but it ain't and too bad, cuz it would've made a killer "Who Wore It Best?"...

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13 Rats of Halloween #10

October 28, 2020, 12:50 pm
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If you thought this here website was going to make a list of rats and not include the animated one voiced by PAUL FUCKING LYNDE then you do not know this website nearly as well as you thought you did. I've spoken of the childhood trauma of the 1973 animated version ofCharlotte's Web before -- this is the movie that taught me about death, ha! -- but it also taught me about being a selfish homosexual glutton, and for that I can only express gratitude. 

Templeton the Rat, gay icon! I know textually Templeton has a pile of rat children, but he'd hardly have been the only homosexual to have lead a double life in the 1970s. Just think about what his signature number "A Veritable Smorgasbord" is all about -- him sneaking off to the dark corners of the fairground at night to gobble up all the "gorgeous goop" and "candy found all around" where nobody can see him -- that's some closet queen cruising if I ever heard it. I mean...

... I just do not think...

... that I am being crazy here.

People hired Paul Lynde for a reason in 1973 -- they knew what they were doing when they hired Paul Lynde in 1973. And consider the fact that the original person they hired to voice Templeton was Tony Randall, who, although heterosexual in real life, was also usually coded as a little loafer-light back in the day. (Randall's line-readings were deemed "flat" so they redubbed the film with Lynde, who would never ever in his life be deemed "flat.")

The meta-joke was of course just in having a Fancy Man voice a ravenous slob -- there was a very narrow idea of what a gay man was in 1973 and "ravenous slob" did not fit within those parameters. Thank goodness then that Templeton came along and broke down barriers for all the ravenous gay slobs like myself! 


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Good Morning, World

October 29, 2020, 7:23 am
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As I said last night on Twitter I'm so happy I didn't have this scene in this week's episode of We Are Who We Are ruined for me before I finally got around to seeing it -- our boy Tom Mercier dancing in his underwear to a Radiohead song? And getting a little bi out while he does it? Luca is always looking out for me. That said I don't entirely enjoy taking this scene out of its ethically ambiguous context just for gawping purposes, since  it does involve the adult seduction of a fourteen-year-old, but I'm glad Luca Guadagnino had the gumption, after all the (incorrect) bullshit that got flung at Call Me By Your Name involving age and consent, to still bring up the subjects and deal with them in a meaningful manner. And if anybody actually wants to talk about all that let's do it in the comments! Right now I haven't had my coffee yet and it's a lot, so let's drink our coffee, stare at these gifs after the jump, and wake our asses up...











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Five Frames From ?

October 29, 2020, 8:21 am
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Mads & Hammer

October 29, 2020, 9:43 am
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Man oh man -- or is that Mads oh Mads, hardy har -- it has been too long since I've had the opportunity to post a photo of that blessed face right there. I guess the last time I thought about Mads was right before (and I mean right before) the plague shut everything down -- the last movie experience I had with a big audience was back in March when MoMA screened Casino Royale with Daniel Craig there in person (see photos from that here) and of course thinking about that movie makes me think about Daniel and Mads' sinister sexual chemistry. 

And speaking of Mads having "sinister sexual chemistry" with every man he stars opposite let's hope that's the case, big-time, with his next project, announced today (thx Mac), called The Billion Dollar Spy and which will have him calling none other than Armie Hammer's name! Before I could even type out that full sentence I'd opened another tab to check what Mads' height was -- always a concern when starring opposite 6'5" Armie -- and he should be okay at six feet. Here's the story, which is based on a true one:

"Brad Reid (Hammer) is a fresh arrival at the Moscow station of the CIA when he’s approached by Soviet engineer Adolf Tolkachev (Mikkelsen). Ignoring the advice from his bosses that Tolkachev is an obvious KGB ‘dangle’, Reid develops a bond and unique friendship with the Russian, who seemingly only wants to help his family escape the corruption within the Soviet Union. Reid’s faith in Tolkachev is rewarded when he hands over a treasure trove of military secrets, obtained using classic Cold War spy craft. It earns Tolkachev the nickname ‘The Billion Dollar Spy’ and alters the balance of power between East and West. But their success in evading the KGB comes at great personal cost to both men, and their marriages to wives Tina and Natasha, all struggling with the daily paranoia of being caught. Then one day a shocking betrayal puts them all in grave danger…”

The film is being directed by Belle director Amma Asante, who I will take this opportunity to point out is a black woman -- I only bring this up because I was googling something earlier and that wretched old Buzzfeed article that shit on Armie (as an embodiment of "talentless White Male Privilege") trotted itself past me and I got annoyed all over again, while this news here today points once again to Armie working more often than not with underrepresented voices. He seems like one of the good guys, y'all. I know he's got a gigantic bullseye on him because of all his born privilege, and he's admittedly been a bit... high-strung this past year... but who hasn't? Good god I've been half-deranged for months. All the best people are doing it!

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Creepy Kid To College Jock

October 29, 2020, 10:39 am
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Ty Simpkins, the little boy from Little Children, the Insidious movies, and Jurassic World, is now a handsome nineteen-year-old young man, I have just discovered via his Instagram. I hadn't been keeping up with him but we'll be reintroduced to him shortly because he's going to be the star of the fifth Insidious movie, which has just been announced. And not just that -- the film will mark the directorial debut of his repeat pretend daddy, Patrick Wilson!

The fifth film will have Ty's character Dalton Lambert -- who found himself pulled into a vegetative state by evil forces thanks to a telepathy-type link to the dark world (which I refuse to refer to as "The Further" -- you cannot make me!) in the first movie -- going off to college, and dealing with... you know, bad shit or whatever. The fifth film will supposedly mark the return of the rest of the Lambert clan, who mostly sat our films 3 and 4 as they focused on the psychic played by Lin Shaye -- besides directing Patrick Wilson be reprising his role as Papa Lambert; no word on Rose Byrne as Mama yet but hopefully she'll show! Rose Byrne makes everything better. In summation... here's a little more of Ty letting his inner jock out on his Instagram...



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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

October 29, 2020, 11:53 am
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As long as I'm hitting up Animated Rats in my "13 Rats of Halloween" series -- yesterday I did a post about Templeton the Paul Lynde Rat in Charlotte's Web -- I might as well hit up my maybe favorite of all Animated Movie Rats (and yes I include you, Ratatouille), the one called "Rat" and voiced by the always best-in-show Willem Dafoe in Wes Anderson's stop-motion masterpiece Fantastic Mr. Fox.

"Y'all are trespassing now. Illegally."

I love everything about Rat. I love his little finger snaps and athletic swings through the cider jars, I love that he calls Meryl Streep's character "the town tart" and "pretty as a mink stole" -- I love his little red-and-white striped sweater and that he seems genuinely dangerous in the way that Wes Anderson movies always surprise you they can be, to even out all the whimsy. I would give anything for a spin-off movie about Rat's younger days... or even just an action figure. Did they make any FMF figures? Oh to own Rat would rule!

Hit the jump for links to all the Previous Ways Not To Die

Previous Ways Not To Die: Central Park Pestilence -- Goat Yer Got -- Get the Hook -- Robot First Blood -- Tumble For Yahhhhhh -- By Gyaos and By Golly -- Licked By Flames of Sapphic Desire -- Snitches Get Destiches --  Bad-Assassin -- Lasers For the Little Person -- Mouse Droppings -- Pink Puffy Stuff -- Light Terror-py -- Don't Open the Box! -- I Said Don't Squeeze The Charmin -- Ma Come Runnin -- Birds of Darkness, Consume Me!!! -- Oh Teddy -- Better Off Red -- A Spike in the Dark -- Bag n' Bash -- Big Time Dumbbelled -- By Behemoth Blast -- Fire In Your Belly -- The Hand Gun -- Shark, Weak -- Just Say Heck No -- The Diabolical Loosening of Birds -- Backstabber -- Psychogenic Fugue State Go Bye Bye -- Who Slew Aunt Annie -- Saved By The Bullet -- Die For Art -- Crawl This Way -- Deep Red Robin Dead -- Cellar Doors -- Draw Bridge To Doom -- Disarmed & Dangerous -- Ladies Who Lunched -- Tasting the Black Sperm of Vengeance -- Chucky's First Victim -- Smoking Kills -- Conk Goes The Boyfriend -- No You're The Puppet -- Killer Looks -- Dumb Blonde in a Box -- Dinner For Two -- Grab the Bull By the Horns -- Shoot Me Jonathan Tucker -- Dressed Down -- Killin' Nazis -- Keep Your Eyes on the Pies -- Sleep Tight -- How Much is the Peyton Out the Window -- It Takes Guts -- Buns Up -- Body Snatcher Bullseye -- Kibbles & Bits -- What's In The Basket -- A Bad Case of Bed Head -- The Last Airbender -- Loose Hips Sink Dips --Bunny Oblivion -- Railroaded -- Man vs Harpoon -- Beam Me Down -- Touchdown to Terror -- Lucy Loses Her Head -- Goo Gone -- Jake Fully Loaded -- Time Stops For One Man -- They Shoot Actresses Don't They -- Chop Top -- Paint Me Like One Of Your Dead Girls -- Doggy Puddle -- A Present of Violence -- Backseat Die-r -- Supermarket Reaped -- Jungle Boogied -- In the Hallway with the Candlestick -- This is Not the Blonde You Are Looking For -- The Sting -- Blue Mooned -- Pray For Death. -- I Want To Die! -- Come and Knock on My Face -- All Dolled Up -- Tomahawk Justice -- Sleep It Off -- The Fall Guy -- Catricide -- Rumbling in my Tummy -- Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Monster -- Split End-- That Darn Dame -- Board Now -- Signed By The Zodiac -- Damsel in Da' Street -- Whispers of a Mad-Man -- Peek-a-Boom -- Precious Miseries -- A Triple Salchow Before Dying -- Night Nurse -- Don't Be Greedo -- The Hand That Rocks The Greenhouse -- Jacked Up -- The Big Squeeze -- Say My Name -- Silver Shamrock -- As The Wine Turns -- sleepytime --  Eat Crow -- An Un Made Man -- Bear Topped --When Your Hoop Dreams Become Your Hoop Nightmares -- Ungodly Grabbers -- Head Today Gone Tomorrow -- Something... Happened -- Phone Jacked -- Poker Face -- Not Ready For This Jelly --World's Greatest DEAD -- Swiss Miss Meteor Strike -- The Whim of a Mads Man -- Big Wheeled -- Deep Red -- Bunny Petit -- Ding Dong Going Down -- The Headless Hitchcock -- Oops I Dropped The Soap --Mary had A Little Slam -- The Beast With Too Backstabbed -- Wrath of the Merman -- Stomach Bug --Something Icky This Way Comes -- Dagon It -- The Passion of Margaret White -- Worm Food -- Kim Jong Kill -- Harkonnen A Vagrant -- A Little Off The Top -- Laid Out By Lamas -- 1 2 3 Dandy -- One Ringy-Dingy Two Ringy-Dingy Die Ringy-Dingy -- Nanny Slam -- Forced Head -- A Wolf at the Door -- X-Ray'd -- Helen Helen Helen -- Bad Robot -- Giggle Gassed -- Dark Meet -- The Lady in the Iron Mask --Croaked -- Exit Stage Crazy -- Cold Cocked By Colin Farrell --  Comb Over -- Wishing You Happy Father's Day -- Bright Light Bright Light -- Flame With Ash Highlights -- Don't Spoke Unless Stuck Onto-- Teen Angst Bullshit -- Come What May (Day) -- Dodge This -- The Dead Knock At Dawn -- A Gentlemenly Sacrifice -- Spade & Neutered -- Flambe By Vincent -- L.O.O.K.E.R Over -- Something in the Fog -- Polly Wants A Scalpel -- Major Swirly -- White Meat Dark Meat -- Oh Dae-su You Devil --Unto Darkness Delivered -- A Hammock Built For Slew -- Venom Down -- Worm Turned -- This Anaconda Do Want Some -- Cereal Murdered -- Deady Dearest -- Spotted Dick -- Chinatown Syndrome-- Feeling the Fury -- Blank With the Blank in the Blank -- Kill the Cook -- You be The Steeple -- Boiled Bashed Stabbed & Gassed -- Iced Princess -- Straight Razor Symphony -- Prey For Mantis -- Talos Unplugged -- A Mysterious Raptoring -- Mad Monkey Robo Rampage -- Give Me Liberty, Or... -- Horns of Plenty... Dead! -- Mistress-And-Run -- Wolverine Interrupted -- Who Let The Guts Out -- Zzzapped Innards-Side-Out -- Bad Romance -- Twas Beauty (And Also Aeroplanes) -- Bad Head -- Valentine's Day Massacred -- Belly Buster -- For Being Not The Babysitter -- Splat In Slo-Mo -- To Be Dis-Continued --For Being Mouthy -- Do You Smell What Billy's Mom Is Cooking -- The Milk Done Gone Bad -- An Inability To Stop Drop and Roll -- Bug Sprayed -- Extreme Makeover: Leatherface Edition -- Window Seat Suck -- Razor Bunting -- Stabbed Thru The Heart And Witches Are To Blame -- Shark Kibble -- Is That a Straight Razor In Your Trunks Or Are You Just Happy To See Me -- Bad Dates -- Fry Guy'd --Super Battle Bystander Shrapnel Shred -- Staring Contest of the Dead -- Satanic Self Sacrifice -- Fist and Fortune -- Psychedelic Penis Slice To Window Toss -- For Crimes Against Accent -- Sacked -- Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
.
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Harry Shum Jr. One Time

October 29, 2020, 1:30 pm
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The Cult of DaKeough

October 29, 2020, 2:23 pm
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Let's end the day with some gloriously, deliriously happy-making news -- two of my favorite young actors, and the two who have most proven as of late that nepotism (as long as we're not talking politics) doesn't absolutely always have to be a bad word, have gone and made a project for themselves to star in together! First off I actually had no idea that Dakota Johnson and Riley Keough even knew each other -- when I went to find a photograph for this news I expected to have to photoshop something up but there they were, as seen above, chumming it up like my new favorite couple -- apparently they've been best friends since they were 15 and Dakota was Riley's bridesmaid at her 2015 wedding (a pertinent aside: Kristen Stewart's apparently a close pal too). I love, love, love it. 

Anyway! Cross-eyed star-fucking aside our new fave BFFs Riley & Dakota are going to star together in a limited series called Cult Following, based on a memoir by Bexy Cameron that's set to be released in July of next year, which tells the story of... well I'm feeling lazy, I'll let Deadline explain it for us:

"Based on the book written by Cameron, the story follows her as she recounts her upbringing in the notorious cult Children of God. After emancipating herself at the age of 16 and building a life away from the cult, as an adult Cameron (Johnson) embarks on a road trip with a close friend (Keough) to investigate and document contemporary cults existing in America today. Two young women set out on the ‘adventure’ of a lifetime and Cameron’s emphatic, raw and at times incredibly funny experience on the road runs parallel to her examining and processing the psychology and trauma of her own childhood being raised in a cult. It’s a journey of meltdowns, meth cooks, monks, Jesus freaks, soap-making Armageddonists, surveillance vans, ex-Apple employees and finally, Cameron’s confrontation of her parents and ultimately herself."


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